" if i could , i would "

Well ,
when it comes to personal stuffs like emotional thoughts ,
i don't really want to share about it .
maybe , it's because i find it shameful to share ,
or i feel insecure blogging them .
.
i don't know if its only me ,
or not . but , i always got hated
me , myself doesn't know why too .
maybe , i made mistakes ..
but i'm just being myself .
now , what's wrong with being myself ?
is it a crime or something ?
" just be yourself " .
this is what i always hear / see / read
but , when it came to real life ,
that isn't true anymore .

so , people hate me for being myself
does that even make sense ?
when i'm faking my personalities ,
my actions ,
just to fit in others ..
is that even worthy ?

i have no idea .
but , i've did that before .
what's the end result ?
i got insulted
by saying
: stop being a fake person with fake personalities .
and comments like
" do you know how gross you are  in this way ? fking two-sided bitch
with me around , and w/o me , you're just fking two different person .
do you know how disgusting is that ? how gross to know you ? "
i just don't understand .
a good friend of mine , who have been through thick and thins ,
high and low , even obstacles , and fights with me
said that .
sigh .
and left me w/o saying a word
i don't understand .
how can that friend of mine find another partner so fast
after our relationship broke .
well , this may seems a lil too drama .
i actually cried in those nights ...
and literally laughed at how naive i was in those conversations .
sooner or later , those laughter eventually turned into tears .
being alone for months .
just like a zombie trying to find back it's soul .

just because that i didn't want to have those awkward situations ,
i didn't choose the path that i wanted .
being an art student .
i stopped persue-ing that dream of mine .

i wondered how did you forget everything that fast .
if i could , i would .